I think I can describe it....

This is what I FEEL my life is like:

I am a goldfish in a goldfish bowl, that many people are trying to take care of. Stay with me. This will make sense I promise. I am in this goldfish bowl and there are different people trying to figure out how to keep my bowl clean. They each have different ways in which they think the bowl should be cleaned. Because after all, a dirty goldfish bowl ends in certain death, and certainly, they don't want me to die. So a first attempt is made to clean my fish bowl and it becomes crystal clear (enter when I surrendered my life to Christ). But much like our Christian walk, it needs to be maintained and if left unchecked, unmaintained, undiscipled, it will become cloudy once more. So these individuals start scrambling for ways to maintain the clean goldfish bowl. Meanwhile, while I am in this bowl among these people, I am feeling the constant swishing and swirling of the water back and forth, and it is making me sick. I continually look for breaks to jump the bowl and try to make it on my own...to run away, never to be found again. But we all know, a fish cannot live out of water.

This is exactly what my life feels like to me. It is so real. It is painful. I feel trapped. With no escape. And the stubborn part of me keeps fighting, but I have no idea what the hell I am fighting against. For my happiness? Sanity? Peace? Love? For my freedom in the Holy Spirit? For my own personal relationship with my Lord and Savior? It is afterall, mine. My relationship with him. Why do all these other people think they know what is best for me?

I am battle weary, and I am tired.

"Crying is all right in its own way while it lasts. But you have to stop sooner or later, and then you still have to decide what to do."
— C.S. Lewis

A Song that has been on my mind again for awhile...Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - The Toll

Well That May Leave a Mark

Hi kids! Not sure if anyone missed me, but I had been in the hospital for few days battling this crazy disease called Crohn's. It takes me longer and longer to bounce back from these visits. That scares me. It takes me to a place where I will never bounce back. I know you must be thinking, "Why would a believer sound so hopeless or faithless." Well the truth is one day, it might be meant that I don't bounce back....THAT is what scares me. ANYWAY....I have bounced backed fairly well, and it will be back to work on Monday. I am in the process of reading "Forgotten God" by Francis Chan, and plan on doing my poor interpretation of a "book review" so feel free to chime in at that time with much better insite :-)

Ta for now,

-KM

February 26th

¹Like snow in summer or^(A) rain in harvest,
   so^(B) honor is^(C) not fitting for a fool.
²Like^(D) a sparrow in its flitting, like a swallow in its flying,
   ^(E) a curse that is causeless does not alight.
^3(F) A whip for the horse, a bridle for the donkey,
   and^(G) a rod for the back of fools.
^4(H) Answer not a fool according to his folly,
   lest you be like him yourself.
^5(I) Answer a fool according to his folly,
   lest he be^(J) wise in his own eyes.
⁶Whoever sends a message by the hand of a fool
   cuts off his own feet and^(K) drinks violence.
⁷Like a lame man’s legs, which hang useless,
   is a proverb in the mouth of fools.
⁸Like one who binds the stone in the sling
   is^(L) one who gives honor to a fool.
⁹Like^(M) a thorn that goes up into the hand of a drunkard
   is a proverb in the mouth of fools.
¹⁰Like an archer who wounds everyone
   is one who hires a passing fool or drunkard.^[a]
11Like^(N) a dog that returns to his vomit
   is^(O) a fool who repeats his folly.
¹²Do you see a man who is^(P) wise in his own eyes?
   ^(Q) There is more hope for a fool than for him.
^13(R) The sluggard says, "There is a lion in the road!
   There is a lion in the streets!"
¹⁴As a door turns on its hinges,
   so does a sluggard on his bed.
^15(S) The sluggard buries his hand in the dish;
   it wears him out to bring it back to his mouth.
¹⁶The sluggard is^(T) wiser in his own eyes
   ^(U) than seven men who can answer sensibly.
¹⁷Whoever meddles in a quarrel not his own
   is like one who takes a passing dog by the ears.
¹⁸Like a madman who throws^(V) firebrands, arrows, and death ¹⁹is the man who deceives his neighbor
   and says, "I am only joking!"
²⁰For lack of wood the fire goes out,
   and where there is no^(W) whisperer,^(X) quarreling ceases.
²¹As charcoal to hot embers and wood to fire,
   so is^(Y) a quarrelsome man for kindling strife.
^22(Z) The words of^(AA) a whisperer are like delicious morsels;
   they go down into the inner parts of the body.
^23(AB) Like the^(AC) glaze^[b] covering an earthen vessel
   are fervent lips with an evil heart.
²⁴Whoever hates disguises himself with his lips
   and harbors deceit in his heart;
^25(AD) when he speaks graciously, believe him not,
   for there are^(AE) seven abominations in his heart;
²⁶though his hatred be covered with deception,
   his wickedness will be exposed in the assembly.
^27(AF) Whoever digs a pit will fall into it,
   and a stone will come back on him who starts it rolling.
²⁸A lying tongue hates its victims,
   and a flattering mouth works ruin.